'Pack up your picnics': Ludo turns his ire on humans
Updated: Nov 29, 2021
North Fitzroy's most emotional dog is quite unhappy
I must begin this column by acknowledging that loyal readers have probably only just recovered from the shock of last issue’s iteration. I was in the throes of a deep and dark identity crisis sparked by my newfound fame, and everyone was in the firing line: my father, my owners, other dogs, various humans... It was an emotional mess that should have been heard by no one other than my psychiatrist. (A wise old cavoodle named Andre.)
Anyway, in the aftermath of my embarrassing diatribe, I resolved to start doing my job and report on dogs' issues. So without further ado: what the **** are so many humans doing on the Edinburgh Garden’s dog-field? I joyously galloped into it the other day and was bemused to find that much of the space was taken up by hordes of unbothered picnickers. It was like I’d stumbled across some kind of Occupy Dog Field protest.
And look – I’ve never had much of a problem with humans. You’re responsible for a lot of great things, though you do make some perplexing decisions. Only an animal as endlessly complex as yourself could create something as beautiful and alluring as a tennis ball…then stash them away for the purposes of playing some bizarre sport.
Is there an institution more evil than the Fitzroy Tennis Club? Is there anything more cruel than placing it directly next to the dog field? Imagine if someone took all the world’s alcohol and started partying behind a massive wire fence directly in front of you? How would that make you feel?
“Is there anything more cruel than placing a tennis club directly next to a dog field?”
I should calm down and emphasise that I really do like people. I sympathise with the human experience. You’ve created a needlessly complicated world for yourselves to uphold. When you meet with friends, you’re obligated to discuss politics, sex, justice, philosophy. When I meet with friends, we sniff each other’s arses and start wrestling.
I have no idea who ‘Trump’ is. I’m unsure what a ‘democracy’ means. I have some concept of religion, but could not tell you the beliefs of atheists, Islamists or removalists. And I have no desire to find out. (That being said, how about this nuclear missile situation? What a disaster. The French bulldogs haven’t shown up to Edinburgh Gardens in weeks.)
Well – it appears I’ve been distracted once again. This column concerns canines. So, to reiterate, leave a bit of space for us!!! Alternatively: don’t get upset when we raid your picnics. It’s a dog-field. See you next month.